We’re excited to introduce the newest member of our life-advice team—Jasper (Susie’s ex-boyfriend)—who will be fielding the same questions as his ex, for now, anyway. Unlike Susie, Jasper dishes out unfiltered, blunt, and unapologetically sassy responses. Anyone can send questions that are about anything, but appropriate for Jasper to answer. All names will remain anonymous. Jasper will answer questions and give advice as to what the question is asking. You can send your questions through Instagram @btverbatim! This is “Dear Juicy Jasper!”

Dear Juicy Jasper,

I have this one friend who I love a lot, but I can’t stand them listening to Christmas music on November 1st. It is WAYYY too early! Every store I walk in to has their Christmas decorations out. Why am I seeing Christmas decor before Thanksgiving? It’s NOT even Thanksgiving! How can I still enjoy Christmas without overhyping it?

Sincerely,

Thrilled for Thanksgiving

Dear Thrilled for Thanksgiving,

Oh, plz, November 1st Christmas music is a criminal offense. November 1st hits, and suddenly, the world forgets Thanksgiving exists. Like, excuse me, can I enjoy my turkey and mashed potatoes in peace without Mariah Carey screaming in my ear? The stores with their pre-Halloween Santa setups? A joke. It’s giving thirsty for profit vibes. And your friend eating Christmas cookies and blasting “All I Want for Christmas Is You” while there’s still candy corn on the shelves? Absolutely unhinged. You got to keep it 100% with them, by hitting them with “Are you the Grinch by not letting Thanksgiving live its best life?” Still not working? Start obnoxiously reciting every turkey fact you know to drown out their festive delusions. Bonus points if you wear a turkey hat everywhere and wear it until December 1st to make your point crystal clear. Walking into a Target in early November and seeing full-on Christmas wonderlands? Makes me want to march straight to the seasonal aisle with a megaphone and a sign that screams, “LET THE TURKEY LIVE!” Honestly, I’m ready to stage a protest outside on 72nd and Dodge, chanting “Gobble before you jingle!” until they put the Santa stuff back in storage where it belongs. And if they don’t? Start hurling leftover Halloween pumpkins at their inflatable reindeer until they get the message. Don’t test us. Stand your ground, and if someone dares to shove Christmas in your face before the turkey’s even carved, let them know: “The only thing getting stuffed this month is the turkey. Save your jingles for December.”

Later,

Jasp